he said, she said
by smartalker
Summary: In which Gazille hates everything, Gray is given unnecessary CPR by fifteen different girls, Levi has a dirty mind, Kana is aghast, Happy keeps on turning into Lucy, Natsu asks Lucy out, Mirajane keeps dumping water on Luxus, and Lucy is on the warpath.


**Notes:** In case you haven't read the special where Mirajane teaches Natsu and Happy how to transform into Lucy…well, I guess you probably get it by this point.

**He Said, She Said**

"He did it." Lucy announced grandly and with much gusto. There was a slight pause in which the entire guild looked at her, mugs half raised to their lips, (except for Kana, who kept drinking.)

"Who banged who?" Makarov asked, not very subtly. There was a hush.

"Natsu," Lucy said, obviously pretending not to have heard him, "Asked me out."

Erza and Gray both choked on their calamari. Gray was unnecessarily administered CPR by about fifteen different girls. Lluvia turned bright red and had to excuse herself. Levi squealed. Kana was so drunk by this point she tipped over unconscious. Luxus decided this was a good enough reason to throw a fit and attempt to take over the guild again. Mirajane not-so-subtly dumped a bucket of water over his head, and smiled a little sinisterly when he suffered from self-electrocution. Gazille put his head down on the table and prayed that someone, anyone, would give him the orders to turn traitor and kill these freaks already. Seriously. He had been there for _three years_. There came a crescendo of hysterical weeping from the keys at Lucy's belt, and she swatted at them impatiently. "Oh, get _over_ it, Loki."

"A date?" Happy cried from the back of the room, sounding feminine and astonished. Lucy screeched.

"YOU GET OUT OF MY FORM RIGHT NOW."

"But," Happy looked pitifully down at his—Lucy's—breasts, "But you're so stacked."

Lucy clobbered him over the head with a chair. "I know I am! That took a lot of work and massive consumption of Vitamin B! Don't just rip off everything I've slaved for!"

"We could start a nudist colony," Gray mused, rubbing at his chin and squinting at Happy/Lucy thoughtfully. Lucy threw her shoe at him.

"Will everyone please stop gawking and congratulate me?!"

There was a pause. Everyone was still staring at Happy/Lucy pensively. Happy, much to Lucy's horror, struck a pose. Everyone clapped. Erza snickered. "Lucy, you've got a funny mole."

"SHUT UP."

"Oh, hey, she does," Gray leaned in for a closer look. Lucy honestly looked like she would gladly topple over and die.

"STOP IT."

"No fair, I want to see!" Loki whined, popping into existence. He took one look at Happy/Lucy and collapsed almost instantly.

"_I hate everything_," Lucy wailed dramatically, kicked at Happy until he changed back into his feline form, and then strode from the room. She tripped over the door frame. No one was quite brave enough to laugh, though Kana did belch.

"That Lucy," Mirajane sighed fondly, and patted Luxus down with a towel. Singed and sulking, he glowered at her.

"Took him long enough. They've only been partners for three years."

"And Lucy's totally shaggable," Levi stuck in. Kana peeled her face off the table and regarded the bookworm in horror.

"You really need to stop saying things like that."

"Oh, Natsu wouldn't do anything," Makarov broke in nervously. He glanced at Erza, who could have been carved from stone, her eyes were so steely.

"I do hope you're right, Master," she said darkly, and looked at Gray pointedly.

"You, being the closest thing to an older brother figure she has, will supervise," Erza decreed, and thus satisfied, sipped her drink. Gray stared at her.

"Are you freaking kidding me."

"I hate my life," Gazille said to the table. "Hate. Loathe. Abhor. Etc."

"What's your problem?" Levi asked him innocently. He managed to grin at her, sanity optional.

"Nothing. Nothing. It's all butterflies and daisies over here." And he started laughing. Levi, apparently satisfied by this, patted him on the head.

"I'm not supervising." Gray interjected, "You can't make me. Why don't you go?"

Erza looked a little twitchy. "I have—things to do."

"Things being Jeral," Levi cracked up. Kana stared at her, tankard poised at her lips.

"Okay, seriously, that's just getting creepy."

"You guys!" Happy sounded outraged, "Will no one protect Lucy's virtue?!"

Everyone just sort of looked at each other. "Shouldn't we be making sure she doesn't jump Natsu?"

"I agree."

"Yeah, woman's about as hormonal as a cat in heat."

"We should tell him about one of them chastity belts—"

"Excuse me!" Happy cried, deeply outraged, "This is my friend we're talking about here! She needs your help!"

He was largely ignored. Happy crossed his paws, sulkily meandering to the corner, and began to plan.

* * *

The next day, Natsu stuck his head into the cavern. "Lucy? You in here?"

Everyone spun around in their seats and looked at him knowingly. Natsu blinked. "Uh. Have you guys seen Lucy?"

They all sipped their drinks in silence. Natsu scratched the back of his neck. "Huh. Well."

"I'm here!" a voice that sounded very much like Lucy's cried shrilly, before the girl in question scurried through the back room and to the front.

Natsu stared at her for a full ten seconds, mouth a little slack. He wasn't the only one.

"_You_," Erza roared, and seized Gray around the neck, as he had no shirt to grab onto, "This is all _your_ fault!"

"_My_ fault?!" Gray whined. Natsu was still staring. Erza shook him furiously.

"Look what you've done to poor Lucy! What you've got has become contagious."

Lucy broke her pose and glanced down, "Aw, crud. I forgot." She sprouted wings and zipped to the back room again, "Just a minute!"

Everyone stared at her go. "Did she just…?"

"She did. She totally did."

"I'M GOING TO MAKE A SKIRT OUT OF YOU!" the real Lucy roared, smashing through the front doors and directly into Natsu. The fire mage went flying. She didn't seem to notice. "HAPPY. WHERE IS HAPPY?"

Everyone sort of pointed, looking horrified, as Lucy stormed through the bar, looking livid.

"So shaggable," Levi broke in. Kana smacked the back of her head.

"_Stop_ it."

"Did you really ask Lucy out on a date?" Gazille asked Natsu tiredly. Natsu blinked at him.

"Are you kidding? She threatened to kill me if I didn't."

"Gray-sama!"

"OW, LLUVIA THAT WAS MY _EYE_—"

"I hate this place. It's spoiled. I must weed out the seeds of corruption—" Luxus hissed between his teeth, and Mirajane shoved him in the closet.

"LET ME OUT YOU WITCH!"

"That wasn't very nice," Mirajane tutted, and tossed the key to Makarov.


End file.
